Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Blame it on RN's

My friend in high school left on Saturday to study Nursing in Philippines. When she told me six months ago, my feelings were mixed. A part of me is happy for her and a part of me is sad because my friend is leaving me again. I know years pass by quickly. In a few years, I will gain my friend back. Soon, she will be done in school and be back in California. As for now, I am somewhat grieving inside. The person whom I can call at anytime about anything is gone. My friend whom I tell my deepest secret, share my emotions, propose my future plans lives thousands of miles away. To her I rave, rant, and complain. I talk about school, politics, work, environment, family, culture, beliefs, and traditions. Now, I stand alone missing one friend.

Because I miss my friend, I think I am transfering my emotions on dinky person. I dont see him anymore. His disappearance makes me miss him. I long for him more each day although I know I do not have any tolerance to put up with his childish behavior. I blame him for not showing his ugly @$$. Where is he when I need him? Why cant he ask me about my life like he used to? Why cant he simply say hi like how it used to be? Why cant he be a man and fix relationship issues between us? Why cant he work out his feelings/emotions/issues/stressors/problems with me, not with his friends? Why cant he know his self with me so I can know my self with him? Why cant we be together as a couple? Why cant he be brave enough and express his feeling to me? Why cant he tell me he loves me?

All of my personal issues effects my mom. I cant talk to her. I have become short tempered. I cant tell her how I feel. What I want to happen is for her to ask me how I feel. I want her to start the conversation. I need her emotional support. I need her to take my side. I want her to comfort me and be with me. I am not trying to be selfish and self-centered. I want to be acknowledged. I want to be understood, but I feel like I am disregarded.

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