Monday, March 05, 2007

Guy A VS. Guy B

What would you do if the guy, you like, who likes you back, is competing with someone who is into you? I had no idea what was going on at the time. I know I like guy A and he likes me back. I felt some tension between guy A and guy B, but I did not know they were competing to win me. Guy A is shy and quiet. He is very giving and understanding. Guy B is extroverted and loud. He is competitive and he gets what he wants. Guy A folded and gave a talk one day about how he was keeping women as spare tires, testing who he likes the most. I couldnt handle the conversation, so I left the room. Guy B was talking with Guy A, arguing with him how women ought to be respected and dating ought to be taken seriously, not a game to play. I was hurt by Guy A, thinking I was one of his spare tire. On the other hand, Guy B impressed me with his kind thoughts and gentle exhortation. I forgot about Guy A from then on. I stayed friends with Guy B and was impressed by his kindness and sweetness.

But, I never thought we would be more than friends until he started telling me how I look so beautiful and how I got my haircut done. I was taken by surprise and was speechless. I was mad because I felt like I was betrayed. I have treated him like a younger brother and in return, he tries to get fresh with me. I wanted him to forget about me, learn the things of California, and meet other people who are different from him. It happened. He met other people, other girls, who flirted with him. He changed his ways. He changed his personality. He’s a different person now. I was disappointed, yet I expected him to act irresponsibly. (He is just acting his age, you know. There’s nothing harmful about that.) I knew he was searching for adventure, looking for new people, and waiting for changes. I am not another person he can date and dump when he gets bored and gets an itch to look for someone new. I am not an answer to his youthful dating adventures. I am older, more mature, and, not to brag, wiser than him. So, I avoided him. I lost him. I lost both of them, Guy A and Guy B. I am worried I lost two people, who used to be my friends. They are gone. They have moved on. They are happy now.

When is it going to be my turn to be happy? Guy A found his girl and they have been together for almost a year now. Guy B is a swinger. (Im not surprised.) I want to be with someone special. A person who is my age, wise, discerning, mature, knowing, kind, and intellectual is probably someone whose company I would enjoy. Where can I find this person? Am I not looking hard enough? Are there available straight men out there? Where are you guys hanging out?

I feel horrible after I turned down Guy B. There is something in me that loves him and there is the other side that despises him. I feel like I always have to reach out to him and make myself act and talk young again just to relate with him. Im starting to think that there is nothing in this universe that says we are meant to be together. I feel that even the Lord does not approve of our friendship, let alone courtship.

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